omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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