my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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