He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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