Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
