Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
