Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
