My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
