we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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