Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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