I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
