how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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