Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
