I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
