Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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