He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
