I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
