she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
