I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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