So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
