Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
