So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
