I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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