He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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