When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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