...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
