i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
