Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
there is puke in my bra ... again
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
