Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
FUCK WHALES
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
