did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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