I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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