If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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