Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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