Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
