just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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