The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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