How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
