I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
