My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
