life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
