ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
