i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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