yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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