Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You left your phone here
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