I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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