I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
