DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
