My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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