My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We just shotgunned beers for America
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
