I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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