I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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