I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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