you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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