Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
