Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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