I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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