piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
