and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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