Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
